I'm hurting myself...

Guess my blog will not have any audience now.
But still I'll blog about my feelings...

Looking back into the past posts...
I realised I actually wrote something about L.
And I still have feelings for her back then... but why did I disappear from her life again till recently.
Sigh...
Maybe its fate... Most probably...
And maybe cos' of this, I've learnt to treasure L more now.
Though she told me that feelings are different now, don't wanna have a BF now and wanna be friends.
I still love her...
But I really don't know how to handle the situation now...
Got many advises from friends.
Many told me to play it cool and treat her like normal friend now.
And don't ask her out so often and reject her next request to see me...
Today I tried really hard not to sms her though... but I couldn't do it and I sms her again.
I'm just not strong enough... I can't really control much...
If I do... I'll be hurting myself somehow... cos if I don't sms her... I know I wont get any from her too...
Sigh...

Should I let her go again? Should I just hold on somemore? Should I just become the sucker which other mentioned? Should I just make her happy even am hurting? Should I disappear again?

But seriously I do not want any of the above decision... What I wished for is be able to be with her again....
How I wish I could understand how she feels about me and what she had gone through all these 4 years.
Sigh...

Am just hurting myself more and more when I think of her...
But I just couldn't stop myself from thinking about her... I just miss her so much...
I just Love her alot....


Somehow the phrase my friend told me got me sad more...

"The one you love most might not be the one you'll be with"

This really hurt me alot when I think of this might happen to me...

Sigh...

All I want is to be with L....

Things Happens For A Reason...

Lately many things happens through my life...

But got too many things to say but I have no idea how to start from...

Firstly I would like to thank this friend of mine which I had called panda2 in previous posts. (Though we sounds like we're totally, but I swear 200% that we're just friends.)

Well if not because of panda2 all these while I will never be able to find what's the missing thing I was wondering about and what I really wanted all these years after that very first heartbroken day of mine. (Will talk about it later on)

Secondly maybe the choice of quitting NUS was right. If I didn't I guess I will never found out what's missing and what I really wanted after all these years of thinking.

Cos' if never quit, I'll facebook and get to know panda2 from NUS too.

And without knowing panda2, I wont be enlighten.

Thirdly, if I chose buisness management and marketing this Aug and didnt reject the offer of molecular biology and biotechnology (sometime I really like), I would never ask her out again. ( Who's she? Later you'll know).

Now Who's the "HER" I'm referring to?

I'll call her "L" as her name starts with L.

Really wanna know who L is?

Obviously she's not the L in Death Note

Duh~!

Well she's my one and only ex-girlfriend.

I guess this is shocking to many... especially to my secondary school friends...

Though We known each other for so long, I had never mentioned about L to them.

L was my girlfriend back in my poly year 2.

I still can recall the dates we were together.

23/04/04 - 23/06/04

Though its just a short 2months of relationship...

I had never ever once forgotten about the sweet memories we had...

L was the sweetest girl I ever met...

She never quarrels, always gives me surprises and writing letters to me...

I still remembered while I was away in Japan, 2 days before my return,

she wrote a long postcard letter for me... every postcard has meaning.

I was so touch that I called and said" I Love You"

Thinking back~

That was the only time I said that to L.

And I never gives her surprises, never do sweet stuffs for her and never write letters for her...

Even though I didn't do anything...

She was there to support and encourage me and surprising me...

Maybe I was a dumbass in a relationship cos it was my very first...

But its no excuse...

~SIGH~

Feel like slapping myself for breaking up with her...

Wondering?

I broke up with her cos' I felt something was missing in the relationship...

I still love her then... But I cant bear to hurt her anymore...

In order to minimise the pain for her...

I've just decided...

To think about it...

I was totally dumb... I should have talk to her about it...

*Knock Head*

Ever since we broke up...

I've been searching what was missing in the relationship and what I wanted...

We never met up nor contact for a year plus.

We finally met up again a few times only during my army days.

But I still havent been enlightened.

So again we didnt contact till recently...

30/08/08

The day I saw L again after a year plus again...

This time I finally know what was missing and what I wanted after all these years...

What's missing that am searching and what is that I wanted you may ask.

The missing thing was in fact my ignorance and irresponsibilities in the relationship...

Never did what a BF should do for a GF.

I know I am so dumb... It actually took me 4 years to realise this...

What I wanted was in fact L herself...

Ever since 30/08/08

We have been going out kinda often these few days...

I still can sense that she still have feelings for me...

And I myself have even stronger feelings for her now...

This time I am very determine to get her back again...

But I'm afraid that my actions will frighten her away...

I know that she's scare cos' she didnt even dare to read the letters I wrote for her...

~SIGH~

And I myself too afraid that I cant get her back again...

But if I dont try... I'll never know...

Ganbatte ne Kevin desu!!!

Really happy that the things had happened after we broke up till 30/08/08.

The sure happened for a reason..

I believe its the obstacles I need to overcome before I can get her back again...

*I promise I'll show photos of us when I get L back... Wish me luck*

Just Realised Something Which Is~~~

I LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYONE~!

Guess I should just be friends with the girl am seeing now...

Like what my friend, Eva said, " Guys that drag are the lousiest"

Maybe I should just end it right away...

Since I can't tolerate needing to report...

Being to sticky... having to apologise even its not my fault...

Having unappreciated...

Having being push away when angried and pull near when happy....

"For God Sake~! Am not a toy...!"

And having demanded for the unreasonables...

Having demanded for the impossibles...

All this I can never stand...

Cos I will never give up my freedom for anyone...

I will never give up gym training for anyone...

I will never give up my running for anyone...

I will never stop travelling alone for anyone...

I will never stop having the thoughts of migranting for anyone...

I will never sacrifices my sleep for anyone...

I will never sacrifices my only free time for anyone...

COS~~!!!

I LOVE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYONE~!

I'll shall be a bachelor till I find someone who is not demanding at most point of time...

And someone that can tolerate my MASSIVE EGO that I have...

And someone that will never quarrel with me all the time...

COS I FREAKING HATE QUARRELING!!!

Its just damn childish having to quarrel over small things...

So till then... This guy over here will just be on his own enduring all this loneliness...

Till the right girl appears...

Till then... Single FOREVER~!

Its the end~~~

she said:

i promise i will nv cry and get upset of wad u say anymore. u noe. i really wanna cry on the train when i saw ur first sms. asking me to look back at wad i did to u before saying u treat me badly when u never really do anthing. it really hurts. hurts badly. i was at bedok mrt station sitting for a loong time and waitin for u to call or reply me before deciding to jus leave. when i finally left. i oreadi decided this is the last time i will bother to do anithing for u anymore. i will not bother to wake u up, cook for u, wait for u or do aniting stupid to hurt myself again. i was abt to cook the luncheon meat ramil burger for u yesterday after u help me da bao. so silly. i dun even noe why i bothers. i was waitin for u to come find me after u buy ur shoes or smth. i dun even noe why i would wait n wait n wait for smth tt will nv happen. im tired le. really very tired. had cried alot alot alot. this is the last time. really the last time le. sorry for everything. for scolding u. for having u to put down ur pride to say sorry to me. for having to fetch me home. for everything. take care.



i said:

I do not know why i said those stuffs. but what said are said. I cant turn back the time. though you said you waited for me to call or sms you... I tried to call you but you off your phone. maybe this is fate... when i tried you off your phone, when i stopped trying you on your phone back and you decided to leave. Just now, I wanted you to come right away as i wanna buy ramil burger and honey chicken chop for you so you could eat when you arrive. i just wanna know where you are so i can see when i can go buy and let you try while its still hot. but you got angry, i'm really really sad... maybe the ways we shows our love are different and wanting it to be shown are different too. that's why recently i kept hurting you, making you angry... really sorry for all the dumbs things i do and the hurting stuffs i said. I always tried so hard to save the situation between us whenever something goes wrong, be it my fault or not. But this time i guess its the end, i really dun have the energy to save the situation between us and making you smile. I feel like dying... all drained. Its hurt me lots to think that i cant do anything anymore... just now after the quarrel, i took a long walk back home, crying my heart away. yesterday you know why i went ikea to eat, cos' its reminds me of the day we ate there together. its so lonely to eat alone yesterday. i wished you were there too. sigh... Sorry for everything, for making you sad, for making you wait, for unable to fulfll promises, for expecting many things from me, sorry for breaking your heart, sorry for making you go home alone, sorry for all the bad stuffs i did to you. This will be the last time i'll hurt you, make you cry. no more pain. though i really cant bear to say this, this is the end for both of us. take care panda2. my always still loved. *tears flows down my cheek constantly when typing* Hahahahaha! I'm really very stupid... While typing this message, all the past memories kept flashing back and the plans i had been planning for ages kept flashing too. and also wanting to cook for you. i'm really stupid... dunno why... though i know its the end, i still kept thinking of such things... worthless me... thank you for all the wonderful memories and the stuffs you gave me. i love the bag though it spoilt after awhile. cherished them. hope you'll be happier without me.... panda1. (always in my heart)




I guess its really the end... we should had ended this long time ago...
thank you for everything.
hope you'll be happier without me around.
always in my heart.

Back to my lonely days...

SHOCK OF MY LIFE!!!

12 March 2008, Time 1.35pm

Something big happened to my life....
Something I never thought it could happen on a fine day or on me.

A lorry rammed into the bus I took.
Right at the spot where I'm sitting at.
Was reading a comic at that moment before impact,
When I turned my head, looking to the window,
I saw it coming straight towards me... (Just like the typical drama of mediacorp)
In my heart I was like "Holy Shit!!"
Amazingly, with the great impact the lorry didn't crash throught the bus body...
but slide along the bus body.
With all the commotions the bus and lorry took minor injuries...
And no injuries onboard. That's a relief...
Maybe cos' the lorry was much smaller than the bus itself.
And maybe cos' the bus was a tour bus?

Wonder what would if:

1. lorry is bigger.
2. bus is sbs bus.
3. lorry didn't slide along the bus body.

With all the options above, I've kept wondering after the incident.

What would actually happened if either one of the options took place...

Will I still be able to see the sunlight?

Hmmm... no doubt the answer will never to known...

Maybe this is fate the I would encounter such things in my life once.

But non the less... I gave a laugh over the situation even though I'm part of the accident.

Truely, life is short... daily lifes are unpredictable...

So live your life to the fullest with no regrets...

Follow your heart and dare to try before its too late...

And never holdback because of someone or something...

If not there'll always be room for regrets...

But well I'm glab that I'm still ALIVE!!!

At least for now... :D

Been wondering quite alot these days...
whatever had happened, was it right in the first place?
should I continue my sins or should I let it go?
Which decision will has less suffering?

~~~VEXED~~~

Been going with the same person for quite sometime.
Things was nice, sweet and happy.
Gradually it turns sour, unknown and confused.
kinda weird... why am I feeling such weird feelings?
Things seems to change but yet I dare not admit...
Am I the one who had changed or had the situation changed?
Either one, both inflict certain suffers for us.
Sigh~~~

Am afraid to let it go... am afraid I'll hurt someone...
But if I don't, I'll still hurt someone...
What should I do? Feel so useless now...
At times I don't wish that things will end...
Yet I can't continue with all the sufferings occurring now and then...

I don't even know what's wrong I've done...
I kept getting the cold shoulder this mintue... and then a caring the next...
I just can't stand it any longer...
Am not a toy... when you need me you be nice to me...
when you don't you give me cold shoulder...
Sigh~~~
Why such things always happens....
Is this what people called "love"?

Maybe I should think through stuffs for another few more weeks...
If things still the same... I guess I got no choice but to end it...
If not the pain will be greater as we drag...
And since we havent even started, I guess the pain will be lesser....
Sigh... But... I seriously cant bear to end it...

~~~HOPELESS~~~

Why my love life suck?

Why my love life always suck?
I really dunno why...
Why everything seems so beautiful at the start....
But yet so awfully painful during and worse in the end...
Things just seems so beautiful at first...
But why good things always need to end...
Can't it last... I just dun understand...
Dunno why am I writing this...
Maybe cos' me and her gonna end soon.... real soon...
So much pain... so much grief...
I just cant bear it anymore...
Maybe like what she said... we are a mistake from start...
Never should we started anything....
All was a mistake all along....
"Beautiful Mistake"
Sigh...
Guess all my love life was a mistake all along...
Maybe I was send down by god to suffer from love...
I guess am a god of no love at first...
But fall in love so got kind down to suffer from love so I could no longer love...

"OH BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE"

Maybe we never should had met in the first place...
Maybe I shouldn't fall for her and chase after her...
Maybe everything will never happen if I never wanna talk to her...
Sigh....

But I never felt so happy with her around...
Never smile so much before knowing her....
Never played so much before...
Never laugh so much before...
Never felt loved before...
So much never that I couldn't think of...
Really wish that everything will not end....
Wish time could stop....
Which is impossible...
Sigh....

So much pain so much grief...
Pain that everything gonna end soon...
Grief that I've never been up to expectation....
Sigh...

Felt so demoralized about myself...
Never a good man for anyone...
I shall be alone forever... Shall never love...
That's my 2008 resolution...

"Never Love Again..."

"Oh Beautiful Mistake..."

So much to say... so much to express....
But so much mixed up feeling... till I dunno what to say...

Feel like giving up and end everything...
Yet I can't bear to do so...
Am such a loser...
Sigh...